Tag Archives: Negotiation

Telling Your Spouse You Want a Divorce

Excerpted from Chapter 3 of Sam’s FREE eBook, The Successful Divorcesam_margulies

What is the best way to tell your spouse you want a divorce? It will be helpful to you to understand the emotional process of divorce before you talk to your spouse. Continue reading

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Good divorce vs. Bad divorce

To understand the differences between good divorce and bad divorce requires a distinction between the two things: the fact of the divorce and the way of the divorce. The first refers to the losses that usually accompany the end of a marriage. There are inevitable dislocations as some or all of the family have to adapt to new homes, changed economic circumstances, new parent-child arrangements and all the feelings that come with major change, feelings of loss, anger, humiliation, failure, insecurity and fear for the future of oneself and one’s children. At its best, divorce is a painful and stressful experience for all whether done well or poorly. The second factor is the way or the how of divorce. This refers to the manner in which the couple gets divorced. Do they negotiate a settlement of child-related and financial issues that both regard as fair or is it a war of attrition to see who can bludgeon the other into submission? Do they retain the capacity for civil and cooperative communication around the children or do they forfeit this to bitterness and recrimination? Do they retain control over the negotiation process or do they give that control up to contending lawyers and the judicial system?

The fact that some couples have ugly divorces and others have decent divorces is not explained by chance alone. We know that there are steps that couples can take that dramatically reduce the level of conflict in divorce. And we know that reducing that level of conflict also reduces the impact of the divorce on both the couple and their children. For the past twenty years mental health counselors have been encouraging divorcing clients to use mediation rather than adversarial divorce as a way to negotiate settlement agreements. We know that most couples who mediate do so successfully. About 80% of those who try, succeed. We also know that those couples conclude their agreements in much less time, at far lower cost and have a much higher rate of compliance with agreements than do couples who settle their divorces through traditional methods.

In mediation the focus is on keeping the divorcing couple in control of the process. A mediator helps the couple to have discussions and negotiations that they are unable to have on their own because of the deteriorated state of their relationship. Issues related to parenting, support and division of property are all explored and resolved by the couple facilitated by the mediator. The role of lawyers is changed, in this system, from surrogates to advisors and consultants.

Contact me anytime you have any questions about North Carolina divorce law, custody issues, or separation and settlement agreements.  You are under no obligation and it would be my pleasure to answer your questions.

Sam Margulies
(336) 669-3141

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Divorce Doesn’t Have to Mean Going Broke

How mediation saves a great deal of money

A mediated divorce saves clients many thousands of dollars. In a typical adversarial divorce using lawyers you can expect to pay each lawyer an initial retainer of from $1500 to upwards of $10,000 just to begin the case. Even though almost all divorces are settled by negotiation before trial, most attorneys approach every case as if it was going to have to be tried. If it settles before trial, fine. If not they keep preparing for trial, a process that can cost tens of thousands of dollars. So you pay to prepare for a trial that is not going to happen in close to 99% of divorces.

Today, the average conventional divorce, using an attorney for each spouse, costs roughly twenty thousand dollars.

When you choose mediation there is no retainer to pay. I charge $250 per hour paid as you go. The average mediation is resolved in less than eight hours of work. Most cases cost less than $2000 to complete the mediation. And if you consult with an advisory lawyer, you pay for each consultation instead of paying a retainer. Then, you pay the lawyer to prepare the final separation document and put the divorce through the court. The fees for both parties for this phase are generally less than $1500. So in the typical divorce the total professional fees for the entire process are generally about $3000, less than most couples pay for the initial retainer fees. That is why mediated divorce usually saves couples from $17,000 and up.

There is an important second reason that mediation can save you a lot of money. We know that about half of lawyer mediated settlements break down within two years requiring a return to court to fight about children and money. Each time this happens can cost thousands of dollars for each party. And this does not include the emotional toll this post divorce conflict take on you and your children. The reason so many of these lawyer negotiated settlements break down is that they are not real agreements between the couple but rather grudging concessions worked out by the lawyers. The result is that the level of true commitment to the agreement by the parties is low. And a low level of commitment results in a high level of willingness to breach the contract.

Mediation requires the parties to negotiate directly with each other until agreement is reached. A good mediator keeps you working until you are both satisfied that the agreement is fair. The result is a much higher level of commitment to the terms of your settlement and a greater willingness to abide by the terms. We know that less than five percent of couples who mediate their settlements return to court within two years. Compare this to the fifty percent of couples whose divorces are negotiated.

Call me anytime you have any questions about North Carolina divorce law, custody issues, or separation and settlement agreements.  You are under no obligation and it would be my pleasure to answer your questions.

Sam Margulies
(336) 669-3141

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