SAM’S BLOG
Divorce and the American Legal System: a Poor Fit
It is in the field of divorce that the image of lawyers finds its most odious expression and where legal training is most disabling and counterproductive. Divorce lawyers have a terrible reputation among the lay public for being cynical, indifferent to suffering and...
The Do-It-Yourself Divorce
I have long been convinced that with a few scalpels and clamps that I could remove my own appendix in a pinch. But that conviction does not mean that it is a good idea to attempt, nor does it mean I could survive the operation. And so it goes with many of life’s tasks...
Lawyers and Unnecessary Pain
Although I am not a great fan of divorce lawyers, I generally do not go out of my way to vilify them. I think that their organizational and professional culture is essentially destructive. They have inherited a system that is a poor fit with its task of disassembling...
What Are The Advantages of Mediation In Divorce
I am frequently asked about what I believe are the advantages to mediation in divorce, and thought I would share my experiences with you. The 5 Advantages of Mediation in Divorce Cost: Mediated divorces cost less. The average mediated divorce should cost less than...
My Lawyer Seems Friendly With My Spouse’s Lawyer. Should I Worry?
Many people believe that an adversary legal system means that lawyers must fight with each other. People also believe that lawyers must be aggressive in order to be effective. The swaggering, loud and pugnacious lawyer is assumed to have an advantage in that he/she is...
Should I Fire My Lawyer?
About half of divorcing people report that they are unhappy with their lawyers and ask themselves "Should I fire my lawyer?" Some are so unhappy that they fire their lawyer and hire another one. And some of those people find that they are just as unhappy with the new...
Filing Comes Last
Few things are more disappointing than finding out that your divorce really didn’t solve very much. You have endured All the changes required, Adapted to smaller housing, Are not seeing your kids every day, Have tighter budgets, fewer resources, and The rigors of...
Conflict Resolution After Divorce
Few things are more disappointing than finding out that your divorce really didn’t solve very much. You have endured all the changes required, adapted to smaller housing, not seeing your kids every day, tighter budgets, fewer resources and the rigors of trying to...
Your New Colleague: How to Talk to Your Ex
A common issue that arises with divorcing couples is that they get into fights about how one talks to the other. "I can't stand it when she yells at me and I'm not going to take it." "When he speaks in that condescending tone to me, I want to hit him with something."...
Alimony For Men
Twenty years ago it was almost unheard of for a husband to get alimony, but now it is no longer so unusual. In about one third of two income couples, women earn more than their husbands. In a few cases the wife is wildly successful and out earns her husband...
Some Protocols for Parenting after Divorce
In almost all divorces involving children, both parents will have the children part of the time. After many years in the same home, it takes some time before both the children and parents settle comfortably into new routines. This creates some challenges that need to...
Divorce and Affairs
From the perspective of a mediator, extra marital affairs often generate challenges that make it more difficult to help couples achieve fair and amicable settlements. I thought it would be interesting to discuss why that is and to look at some of the problems raised...
Successful Divorce Negotiation
In my work as a divorce mediator, I often find myself needing to coach clients on how to negotiate. So when they find themselves in negotiations that are emotionally charged, they often make many negotiation mistakes. But negotiation is not complicated, and many can...
Co-Parenting after Divorce
Co-parenting in divorce has become an increasingly attractive and sought after arrangement. In contrast to the conventional sole custody scenario, in which the mother typically has all the responsibility for the children and has the children with her most of the time,...
Six Symptoms of Impending Divorce
The next time you are in a restaurant look for the sad couple eating dinner in silence. They make little or no eye contact and have little or no conversation. They are completely disengaged and are simply enduring the meal until they can finish and leave. That’s a...
Good divorce vs. Bad divorce
To understand the differences between a good divorce and bad divorce requires a distinction between the two things: the fact of the divorce and the way of the divorce. The first refers to the losses that usually accompany the end of a marriage. There are inevitable...
How you manage the beginning shapes the entire divorce
Most divorces are not mutual decisions, but are instead initiated by one of the partners when they reach the conclusion that the marriage cannot continue. This “initiator” has thought about the divorce for a long time, has had the opportunity to mourn the failure of...
Framing The Decision to Divorce
I am frequently consulted by people who have decided to divorce but are procrastinating because they feel guilty about ending the marriage. I also see many couples in which the partner who doesn't want the divorce chides the one who is initiating with the question:...
Telling Your Spouse You Want a Divorce
Initiating the Divorce The important problem at the beginning of the divorce is whether the decision is mutual. Very few divorces begin when two married people simultaneously decide to divorce. Usually, one of the partners reaches the decision first. That person, whom...
How Can We Determine If We Can Afford Divorce?
Many unhappy couples who would otherwise seek a divorce remain unhappily married because one or both believe that they cannot afford to divorce. Typically, these couples have long lived beyond their means accruing significant credit card debt that weighs them down and...
Divorce is Not Just About Law
One of the most pervasive and unfortunate myths about divorce is that it is essentially a legal matter. For most people considering divorce, the first step appears to be to find a lawyer to tell you about “your rights.” So, the first stop is for a consultation with a...
Do You Need Divorce Consultation?
For most people divorce is a scary and confusing process. Law, lawyers and courts seem intimidating. You worry if you and your children will be alright. You hear the horror stories as well-meaning, but ill-advised friends and relatives vie to give you advice. But most...
Divorce, Settlement, and Predictability
Does your divorce attorney already know what your settlement is going to look like? Some straight talk. When couples separate, there are three primary issues that must be resolved before the court will grant a divorce: custody of the minor children, support issues...