SAM’S BLOG
Should I Fire My Lawyer
About half of divorcing people report that they are unhappy with their lawyers. Some are so unhappy that they fire their lawyer and hire another one. And some of those people find that they are just as unhappy with the new lawyer. There are even a few poor souls who...
My Lawyer Seems Friendly With My Spouse’s Lawyer. Should I Worry?
Many people believe that an adversary legal system means that lawyers must fight with each other. People also believe that lawyers must be aggressive in order to be effective. The swaggering, loud and pugnacious lawyer is assumed to have an advantage in that he/she is...
Filing Comes Last
Few things are more disappointing than finding out that your divorce really didn’t solve very much. You have endured all the changes required, adapted to smaller housing, are not seeing your kids every day, have tighter budgets, fewer resources and the rigors of...
Conflict Resolution After Divorce
Few things are more disappointing than finding out that your divorce really didn’t solve very much. You have endured all the changes required, adapted to smaller housing, not seeing your kids every day, tighter budgets, fewer resources and the rigors of trying to...
How Can We Determine If We Can Afford Divorce?
Many unhappy couples who would otherwise seek a divorce remain unhappily married because one or both believe that they cannot afford to divorce. Typically, these couples have long lived beyond their means accruing significant credit card debt that weighs them down and...
A Cautionary Divorce Story
Jeff Master had called to make an appointment for him and his wife Janet for a first mediation appointment. Three days later the couple was sitting in my office for our meeting and as usual I took a history. They had been married 19 years and had two children ages 11...
Framing The Decision to Divorce
I am frequently consulted by people who have decided to divorce but are procrastinating because they feel guilty about ending the marriage. I also see many couples in which the partner who doesn't want the divorce chides the one who is initiating with the question:...
Another Lawyer Hustle
Robert and Kim were getting divorced. They were generally amicable and had discussions on most of their issues. They were in an agreement that they would have equal joint custody of their two children. They agreed that their assets should be split equally and that the...
When Men Yell
A couple sits in my office and both are upset. I mediated their divorce a few months ago and they have returned for a session to resolve a visitation issue. They had settled on joint custody of their two daughters, age 12 and 9. But recently the older daughter had...
Your New Colleague: How to Talk to Your Ex
A common issue that arises with divorcing couples is that they get into fights about how one talks to the other. "I can't stand it when she yells at me and I'm not going to take it." "When he speaks in that condescending tone to me, I want to hit him with something."...
Alimony For Men
Twenty years ago it was almost unheard of for a husband to get alimony, but now it is no longer so unusual. In about one third of two income couples, women earn more than their husbands. In a few cases the wife is wildly successful and out earns her husband...
Some Protocols for Parenting after Divorce
In almost all divorces involving children, both parents will have the children part of the time. After many years in the same home, it takes some time before both the children and parents settle comfortably into new routines. This creates some challenges that need to...
The Seven Myths about Divorce – Myth # 7 Who gets custody will be determined by what is in the best interests of the child.
Myth # 7: Who gets custody will be determined by what is in the best interests of the child. One of the abiding myths of divorce is that the judge will determine what is in the best interests of the children and will award custody accordingly. Although there are very...
The Seven Myths about Divorce – Myth # 6 Divorce has to Cost a Lot of Money
Myth # 6 Divorce has to Cost a Lot of Money The average legal fee for divorce has been estimated at about $20,000 per client. Times two, that is a very expensive transaction. But such legal fees are not inevitable. Let's ask what people are getting for that money....
The Seven Myths about Divorce – Myth # 5 If I leave the house I’ll be accused of abandonment
There comes a time in every divorce when a couple must physically separate. A divorce begins when one partner tells the other that she/he wants a divorce. There may be a plea from the non initiator, the one who is told, that they work on and try to save the marriage....
The Seven Myths about Divorce – Myth # 4 I Have to Worry about Hidden Assets
Myth # 4 I have to worry about Hidden Assets. Many people getting divorced are worried that their spouse, typically the husband, is hiding money to avoid having to share it. Many would-be advisors warn about this, and many lawyers worry that if they don't do an...
The Seven Myths about Divorce – Myth # 3 Divorce Usually Requires a Fight
Myth # 3 Divorce Usually Requires a Fight Consider how many movies, television programs, magazine articles and books depict divorce as a big battle. Divorce presented as a soap opera with celebrities battling through expensive lawyers and public relations firms is a...
The Seven Myths about Divorce – Myth # 2 You Need an Aggressive Lawyer
Myth # 2 You Need an Aggressive Lawyer. When you begin your divorce, friends and relatives often encourage you to find the most aggressive lawyer in town. This is based on several erroneous assumptions. First, there is the assumption that the aggressive lawyer will be...
The Seven Myths about Divorce – Myth #1
Every year divorcing couples waste billions of dollars fighting each other in litigation. I use the word "waste" here because the money spent does not produce anything of value. Most of those couples could have obtained better results at much lower cost if they were...
Divorce and Affairs
From the perspective of a mediator, extra marital affairs often generate challenges that make it more difficult to help couples achieve fair and amicable settlements. I thought it would be interesting to discuss why that is and to look at some of the problems raised...
What Are The Advantages of a Mediated Divorce?
I am frequently asked about this and thought I would share my experiences with you. Cost: Mediated divorces cost less.The average mediated divorce should cost less than $3,500 including the fees for separate lawyers. The average conventional divorce can easily cost...
Lawyers and Unnecessary Pain
Although I am not a great fan of divorce lawyers, I generally do not go out of my way to vilify them. I think that their organizational and professional culture is essentially destructive. They have inherited a system that is a poor fit with its task of disassembling...
Do You Need Divorce Consultation?
For most people divorce is a scary and confusing process. Law, lawyers and courts seem intimidating. You worry if you and your children will be alright. You hear the horror stories as well-meaning, but ill-advised friends and relatives vie to give you advice. But most...
Six Symptoms of Impending Divorce
The next time you are in a restaurant look for the sad couple eating dinner in silence. They make little or no eye contact and have little or no conversation. They are completely disengaged and are simply enduring the meal until they can finish and leave. That’s a...
Successful Divorce Negotiation
In my work as a divorce mediator, I often find myself needing to coach clients on how to negotiate. So when they find themselves in negotiations that are emotionally charged, they often make many negotiation mistakes. But negotiation is not complicated, and many can...
Divorce Mediation in North Carolina
Readers of this blog who are interested in using mediation in their own divorces are cautioned that discussions with divorce attorneys may prove completely misleading. That is because the North Carolina courts and bar association have created a version of “mediation”...
Why You Should Download My Free Book
Download my free book, “Negotiating the Good Divorce” for more about negotiating a healthy divorce with your spouse. Get your life back sooner, preserve more of your assets, and protect your children from a harsh, long-lasting, bitter divorce with a collegial approach...
Co-Parenting after Divorce
Co-parenting in divorce has become an increasingly attractive and sought after arrangement. In contrast to the conventional sole custody scenario, in which the mother typically has all the responsibility for the children and has the children with her most of the time,...
Divorce is Not Just About Law
One of the most pervasive and unfortunate myths about divorce is that it is essentially a legal matter. For most people considering divorce, the first step appears to be to find a lawyer to tell you about “your rights.” So, the first stop is for a consultation with a...
Divorce and the American Legal System: a Poor Fit
It is in the field of divorce that the image of lawyers finds its most odious expression and where legal training is most disabling and counterproductive. Divorce lawyers have a terrible reputation among the lay public for being cynical, indifferent to suffering and...
About Sam
Sam Margulies - Guiding you to a good divorce.Ph.D. J.D.
Divorce Mediator
Consultant / Trainer on Conflict Resolution